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[Audiobook] Personal Development | Anger Management
Can you imagine transforming your greatest frustrations into opportunities for growth? In this enlightening episode, we promise to equip you with the tools to understand and manage your anger more effectively. We start by breaking down the phases of anger—trigger, escalation, crisis, recovery, and depression—to provide you with a foundational understanding of this powerful emotion. Learn how timely interventions can help shift your reactions from destructive outbursts to constructive responses, ultimately leading to healthier outcomes in both your personal and professional life.
Discover the different ways people express anger and the impacts these styles have on relationships and workplaces. Through Gloria's compelling story, we illustrate the crucial importance of addressing anger directly to prevent burnout and foster better communication. We provide practical strategies and mental scripts to help you recognize the warning signs and manage your anger proactively. Whether you tend to internalize your frustrations or project them onto others, gaining insight into your anger style is the first step toward positive change.
Finally, we delve into the art of constructive conflict resolution and negotiation. Using real-life examples like Michael's experiences in a tech shop and John's corporate turnaround, we highlight the value of thorough preparation, clear communication, and mutual respect. Learn how to navigate conflicts effectively, express sincere apologies, and implement solutions that benefit everyone involved. By mastering these skills, you can significantly improve your quality of life and foster healthier, more productive relationships. Tune in to gain invaluable insights and take control of your anger once and for all.
Sign up for our self-paced courses or instructor-led workshops at www.ht-a.solutions
Sign up for our self-paced courses or instructor-led workshops at www.ht-a.solutions
Sign up for our self-paced courses or instructor-led workshops at www.ht-a.solutions
Anger Management Module 1. Getting Started. Welcome to the Anger Management course. Simply put, anger management is the process of controlling anger. Before this anger controls you, anger can be an incredibly damaging force, costing people their jobs, personal relationships and even their lives when it gets out of hand. However, since everyone experiences anger, it is important to have constructive approaches to manage it effectively. This course will help teach participants healthy ways to express their anger, identify anger triggers, as well as techniques to de-escalate an angry individual. It is not always possible to eliminate the things that enrage you. What is possible, however, is learning how to gain control and manage your anger effectively. What is possible, however, is learning how to gain control and manage your anger effectively.
Speaker 1:Module 2. Understanding Anger. Before we discuss specific anger management strategies, it is helpful to first understand the nature of anger. While most are familiar with this emotion, not everyone is aware of its underlying dynamics. Anger is complex and often a misunderstood emotion. It is more than just being mad. Anger is a natural response that follows a pattern of phases and can transpire from many factors, including other hidden emotions. Anger is a natural emotion that usually stems from perceived threat or loss. It's a pervasive emotion. It affects our body, thoughts, feelings and behavior. Anger is often described in terms of its intensity, frequency, duration, threshold and expression. Anger typically follows a predictable pattern, a cycle. Understanding the cycle of anger can help us understand our own anger reactions and those of others. It can also help us in considering the most appropriate response.
Speaker 1:1. The trigger phase. The trigger phase happens when we perceive a threat or loss and our body prepares to respond. In this phase, there is a subtle change from an individual's normal adaptive state into their stress state. Anger triggers differ from person to person and can come from both the environment or from our thought processes. 2. The escalation phase. In the escalation phase, there is the progressive appearance of the anger response. In this phase, our body prepares for a crisis after perceiving the trigger. This preparation is mostly physical and is manifested through symptoms like rapid breathing, increased heart rate and raised blood pressure. Once the escalation phase is reached, there is less chance of calming down, as this is the phase. Once the escalation phase is reached, there is less chance of calming down, as this is the phase where the body prepares for fight or flight, to be discussed later.
Speaker 1:3. The crisis phase. As previously mentioned, the escalation phase is progressive and it is in the crisis phase that the anger reaction reaches its peak. In the crisis phase, our body is on full alert, prepared to take action in response to the trigger. During this phase, logic and rationality may be limited, if not impaired, because the anger instinct takes over. In extreme cases, the crisis phase means that a person may be a serious danger to himself or to other people.
Speaker 1:4. The recovery phase. The recovery phase happens when the anger has been spent or at least controlled, and there is now a steady return to a person's normal adaptive state. In this stage, reasoning and awareness of one's self returns. If the right intervention is applied, the return to normalcy progresses smoothly. However, an inappropriate intervention can reignite the anger and serve as a new trigger. 5. The depression phase. The depression phase marks a return to a person's normal adaptive ways. Physically, this stage marks below normal vital signs such as heart rate, so that the body can recover equilibrium. A person's full use of his faculties return at this point and the new awareness helps a person assess what just occurred. Consequently, this stage may be marked by embarrassment, guilt, regret and or depression. After the depression phase is a return to a normal or adaptive phase. A new trigger, however, can start the entire cycle all over again. Some people also skip certain phases, or else they go through them privately and or unconsciously.
Speaker 1:We all feel angry at one time or another. It is one of our most powerful emotions. While anger is often believed to be a bad emotion, there is no such thing as a good or bad emotion. Emotions are intuitive reactions and we do not make conscious decisions for them to come. In fact, some anger reactions are appropriate and designed to protect you, such as the anger against discrimination, injustice and abuse. What can be judged as positive or negative, healthy or unhealthy is how we react to anger. Our behavior to express the anger can be constructive or destructive. If anger is expressed well, it can be used to motivate you to create positive change. Alternatively, anger reactions may also be harmful, such as anger explosions, losing control over anger causing rages or violence, or anger repression, bottled up anger that can turn into anxiety and depression. Anger is a normal, healthy emotion. It is not bad to feel angry, but it is best to share your concerns and resolve anger the right way before this anger is expressed negatively.
Speaker 1:The fight-or-flight theory formulated by Walter Cannon describes how people react to perceive threat, basically when faced with something that can harm us. We either aggress, fight or withdraw flight. It is believed that this reaction is an ingrained instinct geared towards survival. The fight or flight instinct is manifested in bodily ways. When faced with a threat, our body releases the hormones adrenaline, noradrenaline and cortisol. These chemicals are designed to take us to a state of alertness and action. They result in increased energy, heart rate, slowed digestion and above normal strength. Understanding the fight or flight instinct can help us understand the dynamics of our anger response.
Speaker 1:The following are some of the implications of the fight and flight theory on anger management. First, the theory underscores how anger is but a natural response. There is no morality to anger. Anger is a result of perceived harm to self, whether physical or emotional. Second, this theory reminds us of the need to stay in control. When we are angry, our rational self gets overridden by a basic survival instinct there's a need to act immediately. This instinct can then result in aggressiveness, over-reactivity and hypervigilance, which are all contrary to rational and deliberate response. Conscious effort towards self-awareness and control is needed so that this instinct does not overpower us. Here are four common myths about anger 1.
Speaker 1:Anger needs to be unleashed for it to go away. It's true that anger needs to be expressed in order for symptoms to be relieved. However, expressing anger in verbally or physically aggressive ways is not the only way to unleash anger, nor is anger an excuse for a person to be aggressive. The expression of anger can be tempered by rationality and forethought. Note that venting anger does not necessarily result in the anger disappearing. Although venting can relieve the symptoms, at times, processing personal experiences, seeing concrete change and genuine forgiveness are needed for anger to go away. 2. Ignoring anger will make it go away. Generally, all kinds of emotions do not disappear when ignored. The anger just gets temporarily shelved and will likely find other ways of getting expressed. It can get projected to another person, transformed into a physical symptom or built up for a bigger future blow-up. Some of our behaviors may even be unconscious ways of expressing anger. While there are situations when it's inadvisable to express your anger immediately, the very least you can do is acknowledge that it exists.
Speaker 1:3. You can't control your anger. This myth is related to the second one, as discussed earlier. The fight-and-flight instinct can make anger an overwhelming emotion. However, this instinct does not mean that you're but a slave to your impulses. Awareness of anger dynamics and a conscious effort to rise above your anger can help you regain control of your reactions. 4. If I don't get angry, people will think I am a pushover. It's true that a person can lose credibility if they make rules and then ignores violations. However, anger is not the only way a person can show that there are consequences to violations. In fact, the most effective way of instilling discipline in others is to have a calm, non-emotional approach to dealing with rule breakers. Calm and rationality can communicate strength too.
Speaker 1:The root cause of many anger responses come from underlying emotions within. Anger is a normal response that is often experienced as a secondary emotion. This concept can be represented with the anger iceberg. The anger iceberg illustrates the idea that emotional reactions are not always one-dimensional. Rather, there are many hidden causes. Although anger may be presented and expressed on the outside, there are other underlying emotions that give energy to this anger.
Speaker 1:Emotions that frequently prompt anger include frustration. Frustration begets anger and anger begets aggression. When a goal is blocked from reaching the desired result, individuals will become frustrated. This frustration will provoke anger as an emotional response directed at the object recognized as the cause of the frustration, hurt or loss. In this case, anger is used as a substitute emotion. Individuals will turn to anger as a substitute to feeling pain.
Speaker 1:Anger is a normal stage during a grieving process. This can be done consciously or unconsciously. Disrespected feelings of being disrespected is one of the most common emotions that fuel anger. This occurs when individuals are not given the respect that they deserve or that they are always under attack.
Speaker 1:Fear People will choose anger as a defense mechanism against fear. Fear and anger derive from feelings of control. While fear will typically arise from a loss of control, anger is a means of gaining back control. Shame anger is used as a defense response when individuals perceive they are being humiliated, criticized or rejected. Anger is a way to distract us from feelings of shame. Guilt feelings of anger will frequently follow guilt. Reacting with anger is used as a way to protect our ego and remove ourselves from the blame. Unfortunately, this means that blame is taken from within and placed on another individual. Sadness when we feel sad, we feel vulnerable and as though we have loss of control. To avoid these feelings of sadness, we will subconsciously shift into an anger mode to mask feelings of disappointment or discouragement.
Speaker 1:Josephine came home from work to see dirty plates left in the sink. Trigger phase she started to wash them, but as she was doing so she kept thinking about how inconsiderate her children are for not cleaning after themselves. She was already tired from work and did not need the extra chore. She felt the heat in her neck and the tremble in her hands as she was washing the dishes. Escalation phase Feeling like she couldn't keep it to herself any longer, she stormed upstairs to confront her kids. In a raised voice. She asked them how difficult it was to wash the dishes. She told them that they are getting punished for their lack of responsibility. Crisis phase Having gotten the words out, she felt calmer and her heartbeat slowly returned to normal. She saw that her kids were busy with homework when she had interrupted them. She was also better able to hear their reasoning as they apologized. Recovery phase Josephine regretted yelling at her children and told them that she was simply just tired and that it was not their fault. Depression phase Module 3.
Speaker 1:The Styles of Anger. Anger is complex. It can be communicated and expressed in many ways. Every individual will feel anger at some level. Our style of anger is what determines how we will react to a situation that makes us angry. Anger styles may be destructive, but they can also be healthy and productive.
Speaker 1:The most common styles of anger include aggressive, passive, passive-aggressive, assertive and projective-aggressive. By gaining an understanding of your own anger style, you can find better ways to handle your anger and establish proper communication skills to work through your problems. An unhealthy way to express anger is the aggressive or hostile style. Aggressive anger is typically used when an individual will attempt to exercise manipulation or control over another individual as well as the whole situation. This style of anger is both direct and forceful. It has the potential to put others in danger and escalate to violence. Those with aggressive anger will often use sarcasm, humiliation and threats to get what they desire. Other examples of aggressive anger include throwing, use sarcasm, humiliation and threats to get what they desire. Other examples of aggressive anger include throwing or breaking objects, hitting or physically fighting. Despite seeming powerful on the outside, individuals with aggressive anger will often reveal insecurity on the inside, such as masking fear or flaws. With aggressive anger, it is critical to give attention to the behavior immediately to avoid further tension or violence. Passive anger is also known as avoidant anger.
Speaker 1:Passive individuals will keep anger to themselves to avoid open conflict and confrontation. Rather than blatantly discussing their feelings of anger. Passive individuals will express their anger with becoming silent or speaking hesitantly. Passiveness is not always a bad thing. There are times when this trait will help to build relationships with others, cope with stress and demonstrate that you are able to make a sacrifice. However, consistent passiveness is problematic. Passive people will typically internalize that their own ideas or feelings are not as important as those around them. They allow the needs and opinions of those around them to take precedence over their own. While passive individuals may seem easygoing or shy, they are actually keeping their emotions bottled up. By not communicating the anger, they are accumulating more unconscious anger and rage. An example of a passive individual is an overworked employee who has a difficult time saying no and will take on additional work, being too afraid to speak up about their excessive workload and stress. They will instead bottle up their feelings of resentment and victimization.
Speaker 1:Unlike typical aggressive behavior that is direct, the passive aggressive style merges this hostile behavior at a more indirect approach. Passive aggressive behavior can be extremely harmful to relationships and cause disruption to a productive workplace. This behavior is a result of not being able to openly address negative feelings. It is designed to confuse or punish the target while gaining greater power and control as a payoff. Communication is not straightforward with passive-aggressive anger. Instead, an individual with this anger style will deny anger, refuse to discuss any issues and claim to be fine or that nothing is wrong. This anger can be manifested in many different ways, including the silent treatment, complaining about being unappreciated, or intentional procrastination and mistakes as a way to punish others.
Speaker 1:Projective aggressive individuals attempt to maintain their image by projecting their anger onto others. While this anger style may seem passive, they are actually seeking others to be their voice for the anger and act out or express the anger. For them, projection is used as a defense mechanism. Those who have projective aggressive anger will not own up to their own anger. Rather, they will accuse others of being angry. For instance, they will take on the victim role by saying things like I am not angry, why are you so angry? As well, they are likely to complain to others that they are being mistreated.
Speaker 1:Assertive anger is one of the best ways to communicate anger. Individuals with an assertive anger style will take responsibility for their life choices and state their demands in an honest and direct way, such as saying I feel angry when you. Assertive individuals will understand the importance of respecting themselves and will expect others to respect them as well. While these individuals will not wait for others to read their mind, they will convey this anger in a way that takes into consideration the feelings and needs of those around them, rather than bottling up anger or projecting anger onto others. This anger style is expressed in a healthy, constructive manner. These feelings are used as a motive for positive change rather than manipulation or destruction.
Speaker 1:Gloria's job was becoming very overwhelming Weeks ago. She had stayed late at work to help her co-worker finish his project on time. Since then, her boss, greg, has been assigning Gloria multiple additional tasks on top of her already busy workload, without being given a choice on these additional tasks. Gloria never spoke up and continued to stay after hours to get all of her work done. She could feel herself becoming burnt out and was getting very angry. After weeks of continuous stress and built-up anger, gloria decided that she could no longer be passive on the issue. She decided it was time to speak to Greg directly. Before she accidentally lost control with her anger and said something she may regret. She knew it was best to state her demands in an honest way. Greg and Gloria sat down to talk in his office. There's something that has been bothering me, greg, gloria began I feel angry when you leave all of this extra work with me. I am the only employee who has to stay late at work for hours and I am becoming very exhausted. Greg listened to Gloria's frustrations and was thankful that she was open about her feelings. He did not realize how this was affecting Gloria. She felt relieved that she was not bottling up her feelings anymore.
Speaker 1:Module 4. Gaining Control. Since anger is an instinctive emotion that comes unbidden, we often do not have a choice in whether we would be angry or not. What we can do, however, is take control of our anger when it comes. Anger management is not about suppressing your feelings of anger, but rather to find meaning behind your anger and determine healthy ways to express this anger. Uncontrolled anger can be extremely problematic. Thus, it is important to find strategies to keep anger in check. The more you practice the strategies of gaining control over your anger, the easier it will become. The first step in gaining control of anger is to recognize its warning signs. You have to be aware of symptoms that your anger is about to build up so that you can catch yourself early and make the necessary intervention. This process involves taking yourself from the moment and observing your own reactions from a third-person point of view. Warning.
Speaker 1:Signs of anger exist in a range. Some are very obvious, others very subtle. They differ from person to person. Signs of anger exist in a range. Some are very obvious, others very subtle. They differ from person to person. Signs of anger can be physical, mental, emotional and behavioral. Physical signs of anger include Rapid heart rate, difficulty breathing, headache, stomachache, sweating, feeling hot in the face and neck Shaking. Mental signs of anger include Difficulty concentrating, obsessing on the situation, thinking vengeful thoughts, cynicism. Emotional signs of anger include Sadness, irritability, guilt, resentment, feeling like you need to hurt someone, needing to be alone, needing to isolate one's self, numbness. Behavioral signs of anger include Clenching a fist, pounding a fist on a wall, table or any surface, pacing, raising one's voice, any act of aggression or passive aggression.
Speaker 1:Once you realize that you are angry or that you're about to get angry, you can start calming yourself mentally. The following are just a few mental scripts you can use to keep your anger under control 1. Calm down first and think this through. 2. This may not be as bad as it seems. 3. This is just one incident. It doesn't define my life. 4. I am capable of managing this situation. 5. It's alright to be upset. I have the right to be upset in this situation. I am angry. 6. What needs to be done immediately? Damage control, solution focused mode. 7. Bad things and mistakes do happen. Nothing says that things will go right all the time. 8. There is no need to feel threatened here. 9. I have no control over other people and their feelings, but I have control over myself. 10. I have managed anger successfully before and I will again.
Speaker 1:Another way to help you control your anger is to intentionally induce yourself to a state of calm. This can help especially in addressing the physical symptoms of anger. Relaxation techniques that you can do include breathing exercises. Deliberately controlling your breathing can help a person calm down. Ways to do this include breathing through one's nose and exhaling through one's mouth, breathing from one's diaphragm and breathing rhythmically. Meditation Meditation is a way of exercising mental discipline. Most meditation techniques involve increasing self-awareness, monitoring thoughts and focusing. Meditation techniques include prayer, the repetition of a mantra and relaxing movement or postures.
Speaker 1:Progressive muscle relaxation PMR PMR is a technique of stress management that involves mentally inducing your muscles to tense and relax. Pmr usually focuses on areas of the body where tension is commonly felt, such as the head, shoulders and chest area. It's a way to exercise the power of the mind over the body. Visualization Visualization is the use of mental imagery to induce relaxation. Some visualization exercise involves picturing a place of serenity and comfort, such as a beach or a garden. Other visualization exercises involve imagining the release of anger in a metaphorical form. An example of this latter kind of visualization is imagining one's anger as a ball to be released to space.
Speaker 1:Music. Some people find listening to music as very relaxing. The kind of music that's calming differs from person to person. Traditional relaxation music includes classical pieces, acoustic sounds and even ambient noises, art and crafts. There are people who find working with their hands as a good way to relax. This is especially true for people who feel their tensions in their hands. Drawing pictures, paper construction and sculpting are just some of the ways to de-stress when faced with an anger trigger. Arts and crafts are helpful because it keeps a person from obsessing on the anger while they are still in the recovery phase of the anger cycle.
Speaker 1:Another way of controlling your anger is by getting the anger energy out, blowing off steam. These techniques are especially helpful when you are in the crisis phase of the anger cycle. The following are some constructive ways of blowing off steam Screaming, if the place would allow it. Screaming can help release the tensions and frustrations that come with anger. Think of the thing that angers you the most, build momentum and let it out in one big shout. You may also scream out the words you wish you could say, if the venue is appropriate. The louder the scream, the better.
Speaker 1:Physical activity Many people find exercise, sports, dancing and even just pacing about as effective ways to vent anger. This makes sense. If the fight and flight response gear a person for physical action, then physical action might indeed be the best way to deal with the anger. Physical activity is also believed to release endorphins, our natural mood regulators. Pillow punching the need to fight back may be channeled through punching pillows. Pillows provide a safe way to release tensions. It's safe not just for the object of the anger but also for oneself. Related techniques include wringing out towels and breaking old plates.
Speaker 1:Writing If physical activities are not your thing, you can blow off steam by expressing your thoughts and feelings in writing. You can write in an unstructured way, simply putting on paper the first thing that comes to your mind. You can also be more creative about it and channel your anger through poetry or song Singing. Vent your anger by going to your nearest karaoke bar. Many people find singing therapeutic, especially if the song lyrics and melody matches one's mood.
Speaker 1:You are not a victim of your situation. You always have the option of taking a deliberate and well-thought-out response to an anger-provoking situation. Your options typically fall into three categories alter, avoid or accept. It helps to know, then, that we always have at least three options when dealing with an anger-provoking situation. You can alter, avoid or accept. Alter Alter means that you initiate change. You can change things in your environment that are within your control. You can also initiate changes within yourself. The following are ways that you can change to deal with anger more effectively 1. Change non-productive habits. 2. Respectfully ask others to change their behavior and be willing to do the same. 3. Change the way you view a situation. 4. Change the way you react to a situation. Avoid Avoid means steering clear of situations that can make you angry.
Speaker 1:The following are avoid ways that you can do to deal with anger more effectively 1. Steer clear of people who make you upset. 2. Steer clear of your hot buttons. 3. Remove yourself from a stressful situation immediately Accept. Unfortunately, there are some things that we cannot change nor avoid. In this case, we have to accept them. This is true in many things that involve unrecoverable losses like an accident or financial collapse. The following are examples of accept responses to dealing with anger 1. Find learning. 2. Seek higher purpose. 3. Vent to a friend.
Speaker 1:Showing anger in public or even at home can make other people think of us as bad people. Tim had to live with this idea all of his life, just because of the simple fact that he couldn't control his anger and his actions while being angry. However, tim started to learn that our bodies give warnings just before the anger kicks in. These signs are mental and physical. Therefore, our behavior and the emotions we feel whenever we are angry can help us realize what's about to happen. Tim started to use coping thoughts and relaxation techniques such as breathing exercises and meditation. He also started writing and doing physical activity whenever he felt angry as a way to blow off some of the steam. Tim was becoming better at understanding his anger signs as well as how to avoid becoming angry in the first place.
Speaker 1:Module 5. Separate the people from the problem. Module 5. Separate the people from the problem. When you're angry, it is only natural to look for someone to blame. It's a valuable skill to be able to separate people from the problem by approaching conflict with the idea that the person is the concern. Then you will likely not make progress with solving this conflict. Separating the person from the problem means to be hard on the issue but soft on the person. In other words, avoid placing blame on another individual and look directly at the problem itself. To be successful with this skill, it helps to have a problem-oriented disposition and set any personal matters aside. This way, the issue becomes an objective and workable issue that can be tackled as a team.
Speaker 1:One way to make sure that a discussion remains constructive is to use objective rather than subjective language. Objective language involves stating your position using reference points that are observable, factual and free from personal prejudices. Objective references do not change from person to person. This is the opposite of subjective language, which is vague, biased and or emotional. You are using subjective language when you are stating an opinion, assumption, belief, judgment or rumor. The use of objective language keeps the discussion on neutral ground. It's less threatening to a person's self-esteem and therefore keeps people from being defensive. More importantly, objective language can be disputed and confirmed, which ensures that the discussion can go towards a solution.
Speaker 1:Here are some guidelines in the use of objective versus subjective language 1. State behaviors instead of personality traits. Subjective you're an inconsiderate supervisor. Objective you approve the rule without consulting with us first. 2. Avoid vague references to frequency. Instead, use the actual numbers. Subjective you are always late. Objective you were late for meetings four times in the past month. 3. Clarify terms that can mean differently to different people. Subjective you practice favoritism when you give promotions. Objective the employee ranking system is not being followed during promotions. 4. Don't presume another person's thoughts, feelings and intentions. Subjective you hate me. Objective you do not talk to me when we are in a room together. 5. Don't presume an action you did not see or hear. Subjective she stole my wallet. Objective the wallet was on my desk when I left. It was no longer there when I came back and she was the only person who entered the room.
Speaker 1:You can't separate people from the problem if you don't know what the problem is. A good way to move forward in a discussion where anger is escalating is through identifying the problem. Identifying the problem focuses all energy on the crisis at hand, rather than the persons involved in a conflict. The two parties focus their energies on a common enemy that is outside of themselves, a move that puts the two opposing parties back in neutral ground. There are many processes you can use to identify the two opposing parties back in neutral ground.
Speaker 1:There are many processes you can use to identify the problem. Here is one of them Step 1. Get as much information as you can why the other party is upset. Step 2. Surface the other person's position. Reframe this position into a problem statement. Example I can hear how upset you are. Am I right in perceiving that the problem for you is that you weren't informed of the account being sold? Step 3, review your own position. State your position in a problem statement as well. Example the problem for me is that I don't have the resources to contact you. The phone lines are not working because of the storm. Step 4, having heard both positions, define the problem in a mutually acceptable way. Example I hear that you'd like to be informed of any sales. On my part, I'd like to inform you, but for as long as the phone lines are dead, I can't see how I would do it. I think the issue here is about finding an alternative way to get the information to you on time while the phones are being repaired. Do you agree? If the two parties agree to the problem statement, they can now both work at the surface problem and take the focus away from their emotions.
Speaker 1:An iMessage is a message that is focused on the speaker. When you use iMessages, you take responsibility for your own feelings instead of accusing the other person of making you feel a certain way. The opposite of an iMmessage is a you-message. An I-message is composed of the following 1. A description of the problem or issue. Describe the person's behavior you are reacting to in an objective, non-blameful and non-judgmental manner when. 2. Its effect on you or the organization. Describe the concrete or tangible effects of that behavior. The effects are 3. A suggestion for alternative behavior I'd prefer. Here is an example of an iMessage when I have to wait outside the office an extra hour because you didn't inform me that you'd be late. Problem I become agitated. Effect I prefer for you to send me a message if you will not be able to make it alternative behavior. The most important feature of I-messages is that they are neutral. There is no effort to threaten, argue or blame in these statements. You avoid making the other person defensive, as the essence of an I-message is I have a problem instead of you have a problem. The speaker simply makes statements and takes full responsibility for their feelings.
Speaker 1:The emotions that we feel will hold a significant impact on how we look at the things around us. Anger is a strong emotion that reduces perspective taking. However, a key compromising skill and way to separate a person away from the problem is the ability to see things from another person's perspective. Although differing viewpoints are often the initial cause of an issue, it is also an opportunity to discover a solution by discussing and revising these viewpoints. Everyone has their own way of looking at things. Understanding another individual's perception will help to establish a foundation for communication. You do not have to necessarily agree with another point of view, but it is important that you understand it. Perspective taking involves discussing vantage points without blaming, withholding judgment and avoiding assumptions about the other side's intentions.
Speaker 1:Before you begin to separate the people from the problem, it is essential to consider the emotions that are fueling each side. Conflict will often bring out the worst in people, and they will approach negotiations with strong negative feelings. Regardless of how intense these emotions may be, it is always important to remain respectful to the feelings of others. Try to keep in mind that just because something may not seem important to you, it does not mean that it is not important to someone else. These emotions should be recognized as legitimate. You should never argue with another individual about how they are feeling. Emotions have a powerful effect on problem solving, creativity and agreement, in which these are all key elements to forming a consensus or resolving a conflict.
Speaker 1:By working in a shop which sells tech, michael had to deal with people coming in with complaints about the things they bought on a daily basis. As our temper is always different. Some of the people who came in had an easy attitude, while others were simply angry. Michael learned from some of his colleagues to separate the people from their problem and then proceed to try and talk to them. This included keeping an eye on their language and looking for their personality traits in order to determine the proper way to deal with the problem. By identifying the problem and refraining from arguing, michael managed to calm down a high number of people throughout the days he spent working at the IT shop, module 6. Working on the problem Not everyone will agree with you for everything.
Speaker 1:The escalation of anger in hot situations can be easily prevented if a system for discussing contentious issues is in place. The key is to keep disagreements and negotiations constructive in order to reach a solution between two opposing sides. This allows for the opportunity to state your position, provide information and strengthen the relationship between you and the opposition. Work together to identify solutions and build a consensus. Work together to identify solutions and build a consensus. There is nothing wrong with disagreement. No two people are completely similar. Therefore, it's inevitable that they would disagree on at least one issue. There's also nothing wrong in having a position and defending it. To make the most of a disagreement, you have to keep it constructive. The following are some of the elements of a constructive disagreement Solution focus the disagreement aims to find a workable compromise at the end of the discussion.
Speaker 1:Mutual respect Even if the two parties do not agree with one another, courtesy is always a priority Win-win solution. Constructive disagreement is not geared towards getting the one up on the other person. The premium is always on finding a solution that has benefits for both parties. Reasonable concessions. More often than not, a win-win solution means you won't get your way completely. Some degree of sacrifice is necessary to meet the other person halfway. In constructive disagreement, parties are open to making reasonable concessions for the negotiation to move forward. Learning focus Parties in constructive disagreements see conflicts as opportunities to get feedback on how well a system works so that necessary changes can be made.
Speaker 1:They also see it as a challenge to be flexible and creative in coming up with solutions for everyone's gain. Negotiations are sometimes a necessary part of arriving at a solution. When two parties are in a disagreement, there has to be a process that would surface areas of bargaining. When people are given the opportunity to present their side and argue their own interests, anger is less likely to escalate. The following are some tips on negotiation during a conflict 1.
Speaker 1:Note situational factors that can influence the negotiation process. Context is an important element in the negotiation process. The location of the meeting, the physical arrangement of the room, as well as the time the meeting is held can positively or negatively influence the participant's ability to listen and discern. For example, negotiations held in a noisy auditorium immediately after a stressful day can make participants irritable and less likely to compromise. Auditorium immediately after a stressful day can make participants irritable and less likely to compromise. 2. Prepare Before entering a negotiating table. Make your research, stack up on facts to back up your position and anticipate the other party's position. Having the right information can make the negotiation process run faster and more efficiently. 3. Communicate clearly and effectively. Make sure that you state your needs and interests in a way that is not open to misinterpretation. Speak in a calm and controlled manner. Present arguments without personalization. Remember your position can only be appreciated if it's perceived accurately. 4. Focus on the process as well as the content. It's important that you pay attention not just to the words you and the other party are saying, but also the manner the discussion is running. For example, was everyone able to speak their position adequately or is there an individual who dominates the conversation. Are there implicit or explicit coercions happening? Does the other person's non-verbal behavior show openness and objectivity? All these things influence results and you want to make sure that you have the most productive negotiation process that you can. 5. Keep an open mind. Lastly, enter a negotiation situation with an open mind. Be willing to listen and carefully consider what the other person has to say. Anticipate the possibility that you may have to change your beliefs and assumptions. Make concessions.
Speaker 1:Consensus means unanimous agreement on an area of contention. Arriving at a consensus is the ideal resolution of bargaining. If both parties can find a solution that is agreeable to both of them, then anger can be prevented or reduced. The following are some tips on how to arrive at a consensus. Focus on interests rather than positions. Surface the underlying value that makes people take the position they do. For example, the interest behind a request for a salary increase may be financial security. If you can communicate to the other party that you acknowledge this need and will only offer a position that takes financial security into consideration, then a consensus is more likely to happen. Explore options together. Consensus is more likely if both parties are actively involved in the solution-making process. This ensures that there is increased communication about each party's positions. It also ensures that resistances are addressed. Increase sameness. Reduce differentiation. A consensus is more likely if you can emphasize all the things that you and the other party have in common and minimize all the things that make you different. An increased empathy can make finding common interests easier. It may also reduce psychological barriers to compromising. An example of increasing sameness or reducing differences is an employer and employee temporarily setting aside their position disparity and looking at the problem as two stakeholders in the same organization.
Speaker 1:Working on a problem involves the process of coming up with possible solutions. The following are some ways two parties in disagreement can identify solutions to their problem Brainstorm Brainstorming is the process of coming up with as many ideas as you can in the shortest time possible. It makes use of diversity of personalities in a group so that one can come up with the widest range of fresh ideas. Quantity of ideas is more important than quality of ideas in the initial stage of brainstorming. You can filter out the bad ones later on with an in-depth review of their pros and cons.
Speaker 1:Hypothesize Hypothesizing means coming up with what-if scenarios based on intelligent guesses. A solution can be made from imagining alternative setups and studying these alternative setups against facts and known data. Adopt a model. You may also look for a solution in the past. If a solution has worked before, perhaps it may work again. Find similar problems and study how it was handled. You don't have to follow a model to the letter. You are always free to tweak it to fit the nuances of the current problem.
Speaker 1:Invent options If there has been no precedence for a problem, it's time to exercise one's creativity and think of new options. A way to go about this is to list down each party's interests and come up with proposed solutions that have benefits for each party. Survey If the two parties can't come up with a solution between the two of them, maybe it's time to seek other people's point of view. Survey people with interest or background in the issue and contention. Find an expert, if possible. Just remember, though at the end of the day, the decision is still yours. Identify a solution based on facts, not on someone's opinion still yours. Identify a solution based on facts, not on someone's opinion.
Speaker 1:A proper apology can go a long way in restoring a bad situation. Apologizing for an angry outburst is about taking responsibility and ownership for your side of the situation, even if the other person is in the wrong. A genuine apology does not shift the blame onto someone else. By apologizing and taking accountability for your own actions, you will immediately feel a burden lifted off you and become closer to reaching a solution. Apologies are important. However, for an apology to be effective, you have to know how to apologize. A good apology includes the following Expressing your regret. Start by stating what you are sorry for and discussing how you feel. This is an important step, since it will set the tone for the rest of the apology. Be sincere, admitting your mistakes. This involves taking responsibility for your actions and behaviors, as well as acknowledging the negative impact your mistake has had. This is your opportunity to explain what went wrong, make the situation right, establish a plan to move forward and get past the situation. It's important to listen to what the other individual has to say. This is an opportunity to learn ways to correct the situation.
Speaker 1:Once his company was not making profit anymore, john decided that it was time for some changes to be put in place. This is when he started to organize different meetings in order to discuss the future of the company and work on the existing problems, by using constructive disagreement and trying to understand the point of view of everyone working for the company, john managed to understand which aspects were an issue, together with what should be done in the future. He also started to negotiate with potential investors to raise their interest in the company. By preparing and communicating his thoughts clearly, john managed to solve more issues in a couple of weeks than he had since the company was first built. With the tactics that he put in, together with the help received from his colleagues, john understood all of the problems and started to look for solutions.
Speaker 1:Module 7. Solving the Problem. After a constructive discussion of the problem, as well as review of available options, it's now time to go about solving the problem. An issue cannot be resolved if the efforts to solve the problem are not implemented. Solving a problem lessens its threat aspect, making it less of an anger trigger. However, keep in mind that there are effective and ineffective factors that will significantly influence the process of effectively solving the problem.
Speaker 1:You've already identified possible solutions to a problem. The next thing to do is to narrow the list down to the best. The following are some criteria you can use when choosing solutions Costs and Benefits An ideal solution is one that has the least costs and most benefits. Disagreeing parties' interests An ideal solution has factored in the impact on all parties concerned and has made adjustments accordingly. Foresight An ideal solution doesn't have just short-term gains, but long-term ones as well. Obstacles An ideal solution has anticipated all possible obstacles in its implementation and has made plans accordingly. Values An ideal solution is one that is consistent with the mission vision of the organization and or its individual members. You've already picked a solution for your problem. Now it's time to create a plan for its implementation. The following are some guidelines when making a plan.
Speaker 1:Keep your goals central to your plan. Every solution has a goal. The goal is the specific and measurable change that you want to achieve by implementing your solution. When you make a plan, make sure that all the steps and processes you outline are moving towards this goal. Break down your action plan into concrete steps. A good plan is concrete instead of abstract, and specific instead of generic. Think of the different steps that you need to do in order to get to your ultimate goal and plan along those milestones. Note the deliverable per milestone. Indicate the timeline for each milestone. Identify the people responsible for each task. Note all the resources you would need. There are two kinds of resources human and material. Make a list of all human and material resources that you need to execute the action and make sure that they are all available. If they are not available, add an extra action plan to procure them. You want to make sure that your plan is realistic, given your resources. Plan how the solution would be evaluated.
Speaker 1:A good plan doesn't just include the steps to execute the program. It should also include mechanisms for monitoring progress and evaluating results. An evaluation plan ensures that needs for plan revision can be surfaced. An issue in contention will remain a hot issue unless the plan is implemented. It is only when concrete change can be observed that anger can be seriously addressed. Implemented it is only when concrete change can be observed that anger can be seriously addressed. The following are some tips in implementing a solution Stick to your plan.
Speaker 1:Note the what, where, when and who of your plan and follow it to the letter. This will keep your end of the bargain explicit and easy to monitor and evaluate. Deviating from the plan can result in additional anger, especially if you deviated in areas important to the other party. Monitor progress and results. Keep track of whether or not your solution is accomplishing the goal. Make sure that you put everything on paper for ready reference later. Log down best practices, risks and obstacles encountered. Reward and revise accordingly. If the solution is working, note progress and affirm the success. This gives the two parties a sense of accomplishment. More so, the next time they have a conflict it can serve as testament to their ability to solve a problem. If the solution is not working, gather feedback. Surface the reason why the solution does not seem to be working. Make the necessary changes so that you can revise the plan as needed. The following are ineffective factors that influence problem solving 1.
Speaker 1:Don't ignore the anger. Some people respond to anger by not admitting even to themselves that they are angry. Defense mechanisms often used to ignore anger include laughing an issue off, distracting one's self from the problem and trivializing the trigger's impact. 2. Don't keep the anger inside. There are people who do recognize that they're angry. However, they choose to obsess about their anger in silence rather than express it. They can bear grudges for a long time. People like this, also called stuffers, are more likely to develop hypertension compared to others. They are also likely to just explode one day once the anger has built to the point that they can't keep it inside anymore.
Speaker 1:3. Don't get aggressive. The right to venture anger doesn't extend to doing it in ways that can hurt others, hurt yourself and damage property. Aggression can be verbal or physical. 4. Don't get passive-aggressive. Passive-aggressiveness refers to indirect and underhanded means to get back at the person who made you angry. Examples of passive-aggressive behaviors are gossiping, tardiness and backbiting. 5. Don't use non-constructive communication styles. Avoid the use of indirect attacks and unproductive statements. These include blaming, labeling, preaching, moralizing, ordering, warning, interrogating, ridiculing and lecturing. The following are effective factors that influence problem solving 1.
Speaker 1:Do acknowledge that you are angry. It is important that you know how to recognize that you are angry and give yourself permission to feel it. This can be as simple as saying to yourself I am angry. Remember you can't control something you don't admit exists. 2. Do calm yourself before you say anything. In the previous discussions we saw how there is a biological reason why anger can feel overwhelming. Our body is engaged in a fight or flight response. It helps, then, to defer any reactions until you have reached the return-to-normal adaptive phase of the anger cycle. Otherwise, you might end up saying or doing something that you'd later regret. Count 1 to 10. 3. Do speak up when something is important to you. This is the opposite to keeping it all in. If a matter is important to you so much so that keeping silent would just result in physical and mental symptoms then let it out. If it's not possible to speak to the person concerned, at least look for a trusted friend or a mental health professional. 4. Do explain how you're feeling in a manner that shows ownership and responsibility for your anger. Take ownership and responsibility for your feelings. This makes the anger within your control. You can't control other people. One way to take ownership and responsibility for your anger is through the use of iMessages.
Speaker 1:After being hit hard by some family problems, laura's mental state started to decline. When her business also began to suffer, she decided to get counseling. The counselor there to guide Laura had a very different approach compared to others with the same job. Instead of focusing on what's wrong, the counselor focused on making a decision while analyzing each possible outcome of it. Together with this, he also guided Laura towards making a plan needed to fix both the problems with the business as well as her family problems. All Laura needed to do was to get everything together and follow the plan. Because of this, laura managed to overcome most of the issues she had to face. Module 8. A Personal Plan. Anger is deeply personal. Effective anger management should take into consideration individual anger dynamics and tailor-fit interventions to them. Everyone has different triggers that will spark their anger. It is important to become aware of these triggers and keep track of your anger patterns so that you can learn to recognize your symptoms and determine effective personal strategies for coping with your anger.
Speaker 1:Hot buttons are triggers that make us react with anger. They are not necessarily the real cause of our anger, but they can be the one that lights, the fuse Triggers vary in the intensity of the anger reaction they can evoke. Some can evoke uncontrollable rage, while others merely mild irritation. Hot buttons can be things that fall short of your expectations, block your goals, attack your self-esteem, violate your values and or give you a feeling of loss or helplessness. A hot button is usually one that elicits an intense reaction in a person, or the one that frequently sparks anger. These hot buttons can be something we observe, such as injustices happening to other people. Something we think, such as the thinking that we are always the target of a particular person's mockery. Something we feel, such as the feeling of being helpless. Something we do, such as rescuing someone in a jam, even if they don't deserve our help. Any combination of the four Hot buttons differ from person to person. Our personal histories influence what would make us angry. Some triggers are caused by conditioning, modeling and unresolved issues. A key to seeing if a hot button is the real cause of the anger or just a trigger is to see if your anger reaction is proportionate to what the situation calls for. If you're angrier than you should be, perhaps there is an underlying emotional issue that needs to be surfaced. Awareness of your hot buttons is already winning half the battle against anger. If you know what can evoke your anger, you can watch out for them.
Speaker 1:More often than not, anger reactions appear in patterns. This means that there is a predictable structure that the anger reactions follow. This pattern is unique to each individual. Predictable structure that the anger reactions follow. This pattern is unique to each individual. Unfortunately, it is difficult to notice this pattern unless you take that third-person point of view and study your anger reactions from a distance. Here is where keeping a personal anger log would help. A personal anger log is a diary of anger reactions, including symptoms, triggers and coping styles. It is a way of increasing awareness of anger patterns unique to the individual. With awareness, one can better identify ways to prevent and cope with anger when it comes. Keeping a personal anger log is also a good way to blow off steam. You may treat it as a diary. Instead of a structured table, you can make an unstructured one to note your free-floating ideas and feelings.
Speaker 1:Everyone gets angry from time to time. However, anger becomes a serious problem when it is uncontrollable and causes an individual to harm or hurt another individual or themselves. Anger that only causes minor impacts and having an anger problem are two separate things. The following are signs that your anger may be problematic If it is too frequent. If this anger leads to aggression. If work or relationships are disrupted. If the anger is too intense.
Speaker 1:After you have taken some time to review the situation and check in with your anger, it is time to speak words of self-encouragement. Words can be powerful. One of the best ways to change your emotional reactions is to change your self-talk. Positive self-talk includes using uplifting and motivating phrases to frame things in your own mind. After all, that voice inside your head is the loudest voice, the one that shapes the perception of the situation around you. Using self-talk as an approach for anger control will allow you to regain control. Some examples of anger-reducing self-talk include Do not take this personally. I will find a solution to this problem. I can handle this. I will not let this get to me. I know that getting angry will not solve the problem. People have different priorities.
Speaker 1:In school, jackson used to get in trouble on a regular basis due to the fact that he would get angry very often. It wasn't until college that he learned how to cope with the situation and started to understand his hot buttons. By identifying them and having a personal anger log, jackson learned the tricks needed to make people not push his hot buttons. Knowing how to escape from a situation which could potentially light the fuse and make you angry was an idea developed over some time by Jackson. In turn, this taught him a number of important things, such as identifying patterns in his anger or the person he got angry with most of the time. Avoiding these situations led him to a more peaceful life, free of the hassle of getting angry out of nothing Module 9.
Speaker 1:Communicating your Anger. By suppressing your emotions, you will only make them stronger and create crucial implications for Module 9. Communicating your anger by suppressing your emotions, you will only make them stronger and create crucial implications for both your mind and body. It's best to be open and honest with your feelings, as this will help you to understand yourself. Good communication or expression of emotions requires the skill of emotional intelligence. You want to be able to reframe your way of thinking and make conscious decisions with your reactions to anger.
Speaker 1:Expressing your anger can be done in a healthy and productive way. Since anger can be such an intense emotional state, it requires a high level of emotional intelligence to identify and understand it. Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize, control and evaluate your emotions, as well as use these emotions to create positive change. Individuals who are emotionally intelligent will express their anger with a constructive approach rather than lashing out. They are self-aware in that they are capable of recognizing their own moods and feelings and how these moods influence other people. Emotional intelligence is a skill. Once a individuals understand what is behind their anger, they will express it assertively.
Speaker 1:The key to expressing your feelings is to do so in a healthy manner that focuses on managing your own emotions while taking the feelings of others into consideration. To express your anger with a healthy, constructive approach, consider the following Focus on the present. Do not focus on past grievances or ways to assign blame. Think about what you can do during this present moment of time to discover solutions to the. Focus on the present. Do not focus on past grievances or ways to assign blame. Think about what you can do during this present moment of time to discover solutions to the problem. Be willing to forgive others. If you are not willing to forgive others for their faults, it will be difficult to resolve conflict. Focus on strengthening the relationship with the other individual rather than aiming to win the argument. Think about how you can make this relationship a priority and strengthen your connection. Allow yourself to feel angry. It's not healthy to keep your emotions bottled up. Repressing your emotions will have a significant impact on both your mental health as well as physical health. It's easy for things to feel worse than what they really are when you feel angry. By reframing your thinking, you can conquer anger and not let these feelings get the better of you.
Speaker 1:Cognitive restructuring is an intervention technique developed in the mid-1950s to help understand moods and feelings. It involves identifying arbitrary thoughts and replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. This technique is designed to help individuals focus on positive cognitive change. The following steps will help guide you through the cognitive restructuring technique. Step 1. Identify the situation and what has caused your trigger in the first place. This should be done in a calm manner to enable better concentration. Step 2. Analyze the mood that you were feeling during this situation. For example, I felt angry, humiliated, frustrated. Step 3. Analyze the thoughts that you were thinking when you felt this mood. For example, if your moods were angry, humiliated and frustrated, then your thoughts may be. Why are they so rude? I guess my presentation was not as good as I thought.
Speaker 1:Step 4. Identify the objective supportive evidence. This includes writing down any comments or specific actions that have caused you to experience these thoughts or moods. With the examples above, the objective supporting evidence may be. She pointed out the mistakes in my presentation. They were all laughing. Step 5. Identify objective contradictory evidence. This includes writing down any evidence that will contradict your previous thoughts, such as the conclusion in my presentation was not affected by my minor mistakes. My presentation had many great points and everyone was interested in what I had to say. Step 6. Analyze the balance between the supportive and contradictory evidence. This information will provide you with a reasonable view of the situation. For example, my presentation may have had a few mistakes, but it kept everyone engaged and was well done. Perhaps they should not have pointed out my mistakes in front of everyone. However, it did not affect my overall outcome. Step 7. After reframing the situation, monitor your current mood. This will allow you to feel relief from your initial negative feelings. You can now proceed to determine your next steps on what you can do about the situation.
Speaker 1:When you're angry, it's common to act out and say things you do not mean or regret. Later we become the victim of these initial reactions. Reactions are immediate and done without much thought or deliberation. There is no filtering process when it comes to reacting. Reactions are based solely on emotions. Responding involves reflection and analyzing the possible outcomes. This allows you to have greater control over the situation and how you will approach handling it. Responding enables you to view the situation from every angle and gain a deeper insight on your emotions. Responding is based on logical thinking, not emotions. The difference between reacting and responding prevails from taking the time to pause. By taking the time to pause and respond appropriately, you will have a greater outcome in controlling the situation as well as managing your anger. Responding is done with reasoning, whereas reacting is immediately jumping to conclusions. It can be difficult to incorporate this moment of pause. It requires patience and emotional intelligence. However, by learning to know when to collect yourself and resist reacting with anger, you will make conscious, sound decisions that will have a positive impact on your future.
Speaker 1:Writing is a great way to express your feelings. Since anger is full of energy, it is important to find a constructive way to release this energy and become aware of what is going on inside of you. When anger is held in, it builds. Writing or drawing allows the angry individual to calm down, refocus and gain insight on their surroundings. It creates a free space to openly describe what you feel and think, especially when these emotions may be difficult to express verbally. Your writing or drawing abilities are not important when it comes to expressing negative emotions. What is important is being able to release these feelings, to be able to process the reasons behind your anger. Communicating your anger through writing may include free writing, random words, stories, etc. Or writing in letter format to express your feelings about an individual. Once the writing or drawing is complete, the next step is to destroy it. Destroying the letter or drawing will help to destroy the angry emotions associated with it. Remember, angry writing is not designed to hurt others, but simply a means of releasing and processing your anger.
Speaker 1:Laughter is the best medicine. It is the key to bringing your mind and body back to a balanced state and can have significant effects on conquering anger. Lighthearted humor can help to reframe problems, relieve tension and move on from differences without holding resentment as well. Laughter will help to reduce everyday anger, sensitivity or how easily you can be provoked to anger. You will be less likely to be affected by anger if you have a good humor. Try spending more time around people who make you laugh, watch funny movies or TV programs or keep visual reminders of funny quotes around your home and office. Humor as a means of resolving anger is only effective if it is used appropriately. The following are some cautions to keep in mind when using humor. Keep it lighthearted humor. Avoid using mean-spirited or harsh sarcasm as a way to be funny. Laugh with the other individual. It is important to always laugh with another individual rather than at them. Do not simply just laugh off your problems. Rather, use the humor to face these problems in a more productive way. Rather, use the humor to face these problems in a more productive way.
Speaker 1:In his past job, hal's anger would often get him in trouble. Whenever someone or something would anger him, he would immediately act out and say things that he later regretted. Hal often became the victim of his initial reactions and this cost him his job. The loss of his job was very eye-opening for Hal. He knew he needed to change his ways and gain knowledge on how to control his anger. After approaching a trusted mentor, hal learned all about the skills of emotional intelligence for constructively expressing feelings and the importance of taking the feelings of others into consideration. Hal was taught about the difference between responding and reacting. He realized that when he would previously react with his anger. He was focusing solely on his emotions and not taking the time to pause to make sound decisions that would impact his future. With the development of these emotional intelligence skills, hal knew he was ready to change his way of thinking and started applying to jobs with great confidence.
Speaker 1:Module 10. Dealing with Angry People. It is not just our own anger that can get overwhelming. Dealing with another individual's anger can be both frightening and challenging. It can trigger intense reactions in us, including shock, fear and even reactive rage. While we do not have complete control over other people, we can use constructive techniques to help diffuse the situation. It is always important to remember your own health and safety when dealing with another person's anger. Thus, sometimes it is necessary to walk away and remove yourself from the situation. One of the tricky things about handling another person's anger is reacting in a way that will not escalate the anger. This is where an understanding of the energy curve can help. The energy curve shows the pattern commonly found in angry reactions. It shows how angry reactions progress in stages, and in each stage there are appropriate responses. Here are some key points to note about the energy curve 1.
Speaker 1:Rational behavior. The baseline of the curve is rational behavior. This is the stage when a reasonable discussion about the cause of the anger can happen, before an angry reaction. A person is said to be in that rational frame of mind. However, once the angry reaction takes root, people go into a state of mind not conducive to reasoning. It is important then to get the person back to a rational frame of mind. Implication you cannot reason with a person during these times when their anger is taking off, at the height of their anger or rage, and even at the point when they are cooling down. You'll just waste a perfectly good argument.
Speaker 1:2. Take off Angry reaction slowly builds momentum and the point when the anger is gaining energy is called the take-off stage. The way anger builds in intensity differs from person to person. For example, some people start with hostile facial reactions which progresses to shouting and which progresses to hitting the table. Other people build up anger in less obvious ways. They start with keeping quiet and then progresses to physically withdraw themselves from other people. The anger would continue to build energy until it reaches its peak. Implication anger naturally builds energy during the takeoff phase. Arguing back at this point, in fact any conversation, would just be futile. Don't react. Respond. 3. Slow down In this stage is the most intense of the person's reaction.
Speaker 1:It is a turning point. The reaction stops gaining momentum and begins a steady decline. 4. Cool down Once the angry reaction has reached its height, it will start to subside. You can tell by observing the person's behavior. Often their voices go down to a level tone. They are not moving their hands as much and they seem to breathe easier. Unless provoked further, the person will run out of steam. However, if you start arguing to the person or agitating the person even during this stage, the reaction can take off once again. Implication Only when the angry reaction has slowed down can you introduce supportive behavior. Supportive behavior can be any statement that acknowledges the anger Example. I can see that this is an upsetting experience for you.
Speaker 1:5. Back to rational behavior. Once the individual has returned to this stage, you can begin to start talking about the problem reasonably. You may even start problem-solving at this point. Summary when a person is angry, just let them vent. It's the fastest way to deal with the situation.
Speaker 1:De-escalation techniques are skilled interventions designed to facilitate a person's cooling-down process, reduce the possibility of getting verbally or physically hurt and gain control of the situation. The following are examples of de-escalation techniques. Practice active listening. Most of the time, all an angry person needs is an opportunity to tell someone how they feel and have their anger acknowledged. Seeing that you are genuinely listening to their grievance can help lessen the intensity of their angry reaction. The following are some helpful components of active listening Show, non-verbally, that you are listening.
Speaker 1:Make sure that your posture shows openness. Establish eye contact. Speak in a soft, well-modulated, non-threatening tone of voice. Reflect, restate what you hear from the person. Example this is what I heard from you. You are mad because the package did not arrive on time. You can also mirror back their body language in a tentative but objective, non-judgmental fashion. Example I can see that you're really upset. You are clasping the desk very tightly. Clarify, help the person make sense of their garbled, confusing and or illogical statements. Could you help explain to me a bit more about what happened in the cafeteria? What do you mean by he bullied? You Increase personal space.
Speaker 1:Anger can escalate if a person feels that he is being stifled. Make sure your body language is non-threatening. Create distance between you and the person. Help the person recover a sense of control. Angry people may feel victimized by a situation and may need to recover even a small sense of control. You can help do this by Giving them choices. Example would you like to move to a different area and talk? Seeking their permission to speak? Example may I tell what I think about what just happened?
Speaker 1:Focusing on immediate solutions. Example what do you think we can do today to help solve this issue? Orient them to immediacy. People temporarily lose track of their immediate surroundings at the height of getting overwhelmed. Orienting the person to the time, their location and who they are with can help to escalate a person. It helps a person feel less threatened if they know where they are and how they got there. The goal also is to shift them from attending to their overwhelming feelings to recovering rationality.
Speaker 1:Invite criticism. Ask the angry person to voice their criticism of yourself or the situation more fully. You might say something like go ahead, tell me everything that has you upset. Don't hold anything back. I want to hear all you have to say. Agree, if possible. If not, agree to disagree.
Speaker 1:There are cases when anger is triggered by a legitimate grievance. In these cases, it can help a person lose steam by hearing someone validate the presence of injustice, at the very least agreeing that a person has a right to the opinion they have can help de-escalate anger. Reiterate your support, emphasize your willingness to help. Example okay, I don't know how this thing could have happened, but you have my assurance that I'll stay with you until we figure it out. Set limits, tell the person that you're willing to listen, but you'd appreciate that they tone down their expression of anger. Example is I'm listening right now. I'd like to talk, but without the shouting when you shout. It is distracting and if this issue is important to you, then I want to be able to concentrate without hearing you raise your voice. Can we start again? How did I upset you?
Speaker 1:A simple technique to connect to an angry individual is using an ear statement standing for empathy, attention and respect. These statements, along with proper body language, will help to connect to the other person's feelings and convey that you care about them. Using ear statements to de-escalate a situation will put you in a better position to create positive change. Empathy Empathy shows that you understand the frustration or pain that the individual is feeling and that you can relate to them as an equal in distress. It signifies that you are working on solving the problem together, creating a sense of us. Some examples include I can understand how upsetting this must be for you. I can see how frustrated you are with this situation. Let's try to solve this problem together.
Speaker 1:Attention it's important to let the individual know that you truly want to pay attention to their concerns. Most angry individuals will immediately calm down when they recognize that you are paying attention, because this means that they do not have to fight for your attention. Some examples include Tell me more, let's talk about this. I will listen to your concerns. Attention can also be shown non-verbally, such as nodding your head, establishing good eye contact or leaning in while they are talking. Respect For many angry individuals, all they really want is to be respected and heard. Respect is fundamental in moving forward to solve a problem. Some examples include I respect your efforts and commitment. You have important skills that we need. You are a hard worker and very well organized.
Speaker 1:When you feel as though you are being attacked by another person's anger, it is normal to be upset. It can be difficult not to get sucked into the emotions of others and want to join them for their emotional ride. While you may sometimes wish to respond to anger with anger, responding in this manner will not solve the problem and will escalate the situation. It is best to remain in control and respond both calmly and intelligently. Although you may not feel calm, it is important to act calm. Avoid raising your voice, swearing or yelling back at the individual who is angry, as this is more likely to provoke the situation. Always keep in mind that your goal is to calm them down rather than justifying their anger. Not all angry reactions can be effectively dealt with. Here are situations when it is more advisable to back away 1.
Speaker 1:When you are too affected by an issue to view it objectively. De-escalating anger requires that you can take yourself out of an issue, even temporarily, and look at it objectively. However, if the issue has personal meaning for us or we are too tired to properly intervene, then we don't have the resources to de-escalate the anger. What to do? Withdraw from the situation and talk to someone you trust about your own feelings. 2. When there are warning signs for verbal and or physical violence, your priority is always your well-being and safety. Warning signs for violence include a history of violent behavior, severe rage for seemingly minor reasons, possession of weapons and threats of violence. What to do? Get as far away from the person as you can. Go to a public place. 3. When there is influence of mood-altering substances no de-escalating technique can help you deal with a person who has taken alcohol and mood-altering drugs, both legal for example some antidepressants and illegal, for example, hallucinogens. What to do? Disengage from the conversation and talk to them when they're sober. 4. When no amount of rational intervention seems to work. There are moments when a person is hell-bent on raging and the anger will escalate, regardless of what intervention you use. It is possible that the strength of the anger is significantly more than the person's resources to cope. This is signaled by a tendency for the anger to still take off even after slowing down and cooling down, despite the absence of provocation. What to do? Disengage from the conversation and reschedule the talk for another time. 5. When there are signs of serious mental health conditions. While there are no categories of anger disorders in the Diagnostic Manual of Mental Disorders 4, the reference of most mental health professionals, some serious mental health conditions are related to anger. In these cases, intensive therapy and or psychiatric medications may be most appropriate. As a rule, people who suffer impairment of reality testing cannot be expected to be rational or reasonable Signs to watch out for persecutory or paranoid delusions. Hallucinations, past history of violence based on delusions, chronic and rigid patterns of the use of anger as a coping mechanism may point to a personality disorder. What to do? Compassionate understanding is key. However, disengage yourself immediately, as some psychotic symptoms are correlated with a tendency towards violence. Refer to the appropriate mental health professional.
Speaker 1:Dealing with angry people when you're not one of them can be a very challenging task for many of us. Just like others, peter started to have his anger triggered whenever he had to be the one to deal with angry people. Because of the fact that his family has been known for anger management issues, peter started applying what he called the energy curve technique, which allowed him to handle his family's anger and not escalate it to a worse form. By using his logic to depict on which point of the energy curve people he interacted with were, peter started to find ways in dealing with people easier and keeping their anger under control. Many people started coming to Peter in order to learn the secret of having some tension taken off their backs Module 11.
Speaker 1:Pulling it all together, anger management is a process. It is impossible to remove anger out of our lives, but it is possible to find healthy outlets for this anger. Anger management involves being informed, self-awareness, taking control and taking action. These changes take time and practice. However, when you stay motivated with controlling your anger, you will have powerful, positive outcomes. The following is a summary of all the anger management techniques discussed in this workshop. The techniques can be summarized into four main steps Be informed, be self-aware, take control and take action.
Speaker 1:Be informed Know the anger cycle, the fight and flight response do's and don'ts of anger management. Be self-aware Study your warning signs, your hot buttons, your helpful ways of dealing with anger, your unhelpful ways of dealing with anger and personal anger dynamics. Take control, use coping thoughts, try relaxation techniques and blow off steam. Take action, alter, accept, avoid. Identify the problem, disagree constructively, negotiate, find a solution, build a consensus, make a plan, get it done. De-escalate the other person's anger Back away when needed.
Speaker 1:As with any plan towards behavioral change, it helps to sustain your motivation. Habits are hard to break and unless there is something strong that can inspire you to change, your efforts may not get followed through. So find your motivation. You can remember a negative effect of anger in your life, such as health problems or poor quality of relationships, and use it as encouragement. You may also picture how things could be different if you can manage your anger better.
Speaker 1:Don't expect change to happen overnight. After all, these may be lifetime habits that you're trying to change. Instead, stick to managing one issue at a time. Develop goals that are realistic. Otherwise, you might just end up frustrating yourself. If you've successfully managed to change, affirm yourself. Any success, no matter how small, shows that you are capable. It helps to not keep your goals to yourself. Instead, select a trusted friend who knows what you're trying to accomplish.
Speaker 1:Having an accountability partner is a highly effective strategy when it comes to goal setting. This friend can encourage you when you need additional motivation, spur you to action when you're lagging, and check if you are working at the pace you promised you would. They are there to help you stay committed as well. It is beneficial to have a friend or mentor that will be there to listen to you, vent or release your angry feelings. Your accountability partner is there to keep you in check.
Speaker 1:Anger can be difficult to gain control over. When this anger turns destructive, it can lead to problems at work and relationships with those around you, as well as impact your overall quality of life. If you're really struggling with anger problems or you just need additional support, remember you can always seek a mental health professional. Counselors, therapists and psychiatrists are all trained to address anger and its impact on your life. These sessions may be done in one-on-one meetings or in a group setting. Mental health professionals will work with you to resolve these issues in a way that will also allow you to express your needs.
Speaker 1:After graduating from the psychology university in the city she lived in, dana knew that she would be able to handle almost any situation in which anger was a key factor, knowing a good number of anger management techniques allowed her to take control of the situations that she was put in. Dana didn't keep a constant job, as she loved change. In turn, this made her improve the anger management abilities she had. Putting them into action was not a hard job at all, as the continuing number of changes in the people she worked with always gave Dana the dose of excitement that she needed in order to put what she had learned to good use.
Speaker 1:Module 12. Wrapping Up. Although this workshop is coming to a close, we hope that your journey to improve your anger management skills is just beginning. We wish you the best of luck on the rest of your travels. Words from the wise Ambrose Bierce Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. Ford Frick Keep your temper. A decision made in anger is never sound. James Thurber Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness.
